Conversations with tori.

Me: ” I know. I know exactly. We broke up a day after my birthday, and I was in complete denial, I didn’t want to feel it again I didn’t want to feel his absence. I lost 15 pounds, because the pain gets so real, and your heart feels like it’s in your stomach and there’s no room inside except for all your broken pieces. For weeks I would cry, and I mean the type of crying where you’re nearly choking on your own sobs, and I would feel an energy around me, like he was holding me. And it would make me feel crazy, I’d lay down on my side and feel him hold me and I nearly lost my mind. I started seeing him a lot more the last week of school at Corinne’s and what not, and I remember the first time I had he was wearing the shirt I got him and I nearly started crying then. And the power lines and how we’d literally sit there and watch eachother. Or the time I had to run into his house and grab a charger, and I saw the watch I bought him laying on his desk like he had just been looking at it. Or how on the last day of school I got so drunk, so drunk that everyone was pissed and I couldn’t stand right. How he stayed behind everyone and held me, and I remember him just holding me felt like I was home and I was so fucking safe. When he kissed me that night I could hardly breathe, but thank god I was that drunk because I don’t want to remember it because he still didn’t stay. How when we went back to Aidan’s he bandaged my knees and walked me back to Corinne’s after I tripped and fell acouple times. I miss him so much, or maybe who he used to be so much. I’ve been being so stupid. I’ve drank way too much, alcohol and cigarettes and random pills were always there when I wanted to feel nothing. They still are, and it’s great but I know it’s bad. It’s been such a long process, excepting we weren’t together. Wondering if we would be again. Missing him. And now I’ve got to get over watching him move on with another girl. And I can’t wrap my head around it at all you know? I can’t believe everything he’s saying because that would mean everything he had said to me was one huge lie and I don’t want to believe it. He was my first love, and oh god I wish he hadn’t been. I had no idea, no idea what I was doing. It was my first relationship, and it sucks that getting my heartbroken was the way I needed to learn right from wrong and how a relationship should be. I wish I had met him after or something. And I know everyone says it and how cliche it is, but we were so fucking different. We were so different we were something else entirely, hardly two people, just more like one. And it scares me so bad that I’ll never find a love that strong again, passion like that again you know? I don’t know. In a way I’m greatfull for our breakup, just because I’ve learned so much and I’m proud of myself for being so strong. But there are still the nights where I break down so bad, and the pain really feels like it’s going to kill me, like I’m going to suffocate. Everywhere I go there’s memories, even walking in my living room it’s like, oh, remember the time we sat here and opened presents for my sister and you tackled me to the ground laughing? Or going to millbury last night and remembering every fucking obnoxious thing we ever did up there. Being near the school. Being near our friends? Oh god, even seeing friends reminds me of him. There’s little bits of him everywhere, and a lot of nights it just ends up breaking this wall I have back up. I get knocked down only to have to pick myself back up again, like you said, reading and chores and writing and hanging out with friends and drinking with or without friends doing things I like, it keeps me up for awhile, but there is always that breaking point. After all the small little feelings find a way in, and it gets so big you nearly collapse. I don’t know, it really is a pain like no other. “

Her: “Jesus Christ that entire text just shattered my heart completely. I just kept thinking about all of us last summer and how happy you both looked. I’ll tell you something because that just broke my heart and I don’t know if it will make you feel better or not but not too long ago while I was dating Kyle we all slept at vinnies house, and everybody left that morning but I stayed a little later and I was laying down with him in his bed and we were just talking like we always do and we were talking about my relationship with Kyle and everything and I told him I couldn’t imagine being in love again because of the pain I felt after justin, and I asked him if he was in love with you because it seemed very odd to me that he was acting the way he was because I had just been so used to you guys being together and he told me that he was very in love with you two when you were together, and he explained how amazing it was to be in love with somebody and he told me the pain after was completely worth it. I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to think what you had was fake or a waste of time. He was very in love with you and I can’t speak on what happened or why because I’m not him and I don’t know, but I do know that I’ve known him since I was very small and we both agreed that we’ll always know eachother in a different way just because of how long we’ve known eachother. I know him like he’s my own brother it’s so strange. And I know that he loved you infinitely and I believe no matter how much he denies it he still does. He told me he could write books about the things he loved about you while you were dating, that just doesn’t go away. And in my opinion on the other hand I think you had the ability to push him away with the same ease that it took for him to fall in love with you. I think since your love was so deep you hold a certain power that allows you to get under his skin a little deeper than everybody else and I think he resents that. That’s my honest scoop on things because if I know anybody on this planet it’s him and I truly believe you had what you had for a reason and I believe it was genuine and I’m terribly sorry if that made things worse for you.”

I hope they ask about me & I hope you tell them you fucked up.
― (via misslucy-rose)

I’m the physco horrible one for having loved you. For loving you. And you let them say it, and you know it’s wrong but you sit back and do nothing.

First suicidal thoughts in weeks, I feel so weak